Newsgroups: talk.bizarre Path: jfwhome!jfw From: jfw@jfwhome.FUNHOUSE.COM (John F. Woods) Subject: Re: also found on rec.arts.erotica Message-ID: <C4J8zo.8vo@jfwhome.FUNHOUSE.COM> Organization: Misanthropes-R-Us References: <gooleyC4GCw3.IHF@netcom.com> Date: Sat, 27 Mar 1993 05:38:10 GMT
Let's try this... Julie approched Kelly like a hungry wolf sneaking up on its <insurance agent?> prey <wrong role>. Kelly's body was screaming, <"Peanuts! Popcorn!"> "I want you!" Julie had never thought about <the problem of quantum measurement> sexual relations <or was that "with relations"?> with other girls until she met Kelly. Kelly was her new <great dane> neighbor. They were both 16 years old and both had <better things than star in this sorry tale> boyfriends. The first time she laid eyes on Kelly <Kelly was disgusted by this act of self mutilation>, she knew there was a unique <solution to each equation> attraction. Kelly was tall and <conical> slender, just like herself. <As opposed to Julie, who was entirely unlike herself.> Her breasts were <steam engines?> huge, all Julie wanted was <her two front teeth, her two front teeth, ...> to hold them in her <safe deposit box> hands. Kelly's legs were long and inviting <the Queen to tea was a difficult exercise in grace and diplomacy>. Julie could only imagine the thrill of <victory> kissing and licking every inch of them <poor girl. She could have had 2.54 times as much fun imagining kissing and licking every centimeter of them.> But the one part of Kelly's body that drew the most <elegant impressionist paintings that the art world has seen this century> attention from Julie was her small, firm <duodenum> ass. The jeans that Kelly liked to <invade Poland in> wear made her ass cheeks burst <open steel safes with laser vision> out with such appeal that Julie drooled with excitement every time <the bell rang> she thought about <Bosnia-Herzogovena> feeling it up. The question was, <"What is the question?">, could she get <out of this ridiculous farce> Kelly to want her too? This was a question that would soon be answered <resulting in a Nobel Prize in Physics for the brilliant researcher who uncovered the answer>. As Julie neared her, Kelly turned <on the plasma containment field> around. Soon, they were <fatally irradiated> face to face. "Should I put on <a pretense of actual thought?> some music or something?" Kelly asked. "No, <it's much too cold in here to wear music> let's just sit on your bed and talk." Meanwhile, talking was the <second> furthest thing from Julie's mind <the furthest thing being a quasar which had been formed scant millions of years after the birth of the universe>. "OK," she said as she plopped that luscious body <straight from the grave yard> down on her bed. Julie could feel her <skull popping under the strain of the hatching of the alien brain-mites> juices <freezing?> flowing <wrong phase change> as she undressed her new friend in her <abattoir> mind. She slowly eased <the gun out of its holster> herself over next to Kelly. She lay down across the <railroad tracks, almost DARING Snidely Whiplash to tie her up> length of the bed as Kelly moved down to the end of <time> it. She lifted her <spirits upon seeing the incandescent flash of World War III starting> knees up, specifically with the intention of opening up the <copy of Strunk and White she kept just for literary emergencies such as this> the bottom of <the barrel, where this article was found> her loose skirt in order to give Kelly a perfect <example of the importance of strategic blanket pins> view <"convenient to transportation, new to market"> of her sopping <sobbing?> crotch. Kelly bash<ed in her skull>fully turned her head and pretended not to <reach for the chainsaw> notice. Julie proceded <to misspell several words> to ease her skirt up to her knees and let it fall down <the cliff, where it burst into flame at the bottom> her thighs. As the cloth bunched up near <New Jersey, a high pressure region off the coast kept it stationary for several days, resulting in torrential rain> her waist, Kelly finally asked, <"Will time's arrow reverse when the Universe reaches maximum expansion?"> "Why are you doing that?" Julie responded by <striking herself on the forehead with a raw steak> saying that she had an itch on the inside of her <skull> thigh that was driving her <car without her permission> crazy. She then reached down to scratch <her Instant Win lottery ticket> herself. But Kelly couldn't help but notice how wet Julie's panties were <as the splash of the waterfall off the side of the bed was deafening>, and she knew that something was going on. So Kelly was <Adobe Garamond Semi>bold <Italic> and said, "Julie, I think <therefore I am> you're really beautiful, but I'm <far too busy planning the invasion of Earth by my alien masters> happy with my boyfriend and I'm not interested in girls." Julie replied, "But Kelly, I'm happy with my <stock portfolio> boyfriend too. I never thought about being <and nothingness> with a girl, but it's just that when I look at <the ever-changing map of Europe> your gorgeous body, I want to touch you so badly <and believe me, it can't be done more badly than I do it!>. I really just want to make love to you <alone, boop boop-be-doop>!" By now, Julie's body was <emitting smoke due to poor maintenance> screaming with the need to have Kelly against her. <For, against, make up your mind.> So Julie, despite Kelly's previous <occupation as a forklift operator> statement, wrapped her legs around Kelly's waist and tried to pull her friend closer <to the gaping toothed maw which had opened up in Julie's chest>. Kelly shouted, "<Bus> Stop!" and jumped from the bed. Kelly was practically in<sane> tears now, but Julie was so hot that she <spontaneously combusted, leaving the author one character short> refused to give up. She raced over to the corner <store for a quart of milk and some bread> where Kelly was, moved her friend's long blond hair to one side, <then moved both her eyes to the other side, and after removing a limb or two and rearranging them carefully, finally had the three-dimensional Picasso painting she'd always wanted>, and planted a soft kiss on her neck <tamping the ground down gently and watering carefully>. "I want <a Mallomar> you so bad," she whispered in Kelly's ear. Julie's tongue then probed around and <found the defective transistor by comparing the voltage against the reference chart on page 238> into that ear <then plunged straight into the middle of Kelley's brain to feed>. Kelly hesitantly submitted <an application in triplicate, each copy notarized and stamped> to Julie's desires and became <a large plate of lasagna> limp in her arms. Julie seized <she should have been oiled long ago> the opportunity and went to work <, unpacking the power drill and the metal stamper from her suitcase>. She reached around and <pressed the remote control, starting the home improvement video tape playing> cupped those large breasts in her hands. She could joyfully feel Kelly's rock-hard <figurine of Astro-boy which she kept on a chain around her neck> nipples piercing through her tee-shirt <why Julie wrapper her tee-shirt around her hands is a mystery>. Julie then lifted the shirt <by sheer mental force>, unhooked Kelly's bra, and shuddered with <terror at the alien script tatooed on Kelley's mutilated chest> excitement at the sight of Kelly's naked <singularity> tits. " Oh God," Julie exclaimed. " I want to FUCK you sooooo bad<ly?>!" <"But God isn't present," observed Kelly.> Kelly then put her <on hold while she answered the other line> arms around Julie's <neck?> neck <ah, showing some sense at last!> and said, "I'm sorry I tried to <kill you?> resist you <well, there goes that hope>. I was just a little afraid of exploring <the South Polar ice cap without proper garments> sex with another girl. But I want to <be a lumberjack!> FUCK you too <yeah, fuck YOU too!>. I have ever since <my lobotomy> we met." Julie was jumping with excitement at the thought that <Barney loves her as much as she loves Barney> Kelly wanted her as badly as she wanted Kelly <now if only they could do it *well*, they'd be much better off>. Julie then threw her shirt on the floor, <im>practically ripped her bra from her chest <revealing the "S" logo underneath and exposing her secret identity>, dropped her skirt to <the hungry wolves> the floor, and was about to remove <a ten-year accumulation of calcified scale from the plumbing> her wet panties when <Alan Funt stepped out of the closet> Kelly knelt on the <dias and intoned "Oh mighty Cthulu I bring you this offering..."> floor in front of her. Kelly then clasped her hands around Julie's <head and tore it off> ass cheeks and pulled Julie's aching pussy <and with those tongs, you'd be aching, too!> towards her mouth <consuming it in one bite before devouring the rest of her former friend in an orgy of bloodlust>. She opened her mouth and <spiders came pouring forth> pulled Julie's panties down with her teeth <Julie was, however, disgusted to see Kelly pull her teeth down, even hidden by Julie's panties>. Julie moaned as Kelly <increased the voltage> teased her. <Lemon> Juice was pouring down her thigh <"Who knocked that over?!">. Kelly noticed this <after having her face pushed into it and being smacked on the head with a rolled-up newspaper> and ran her tongue up and down <excellent forethought; had she run it only up, she would now be in Cleveland> Julie's leg. "Ooooh.Oh, Oh God!" Julie screamed as she felt the <knife plunge into her chest, grating on her sternum before piercing her heart> wetness of Kelly's tongue <as opposed to the dryness of Julie's tongue, which she keeps packed in silica gel dessicant> meet her thigh <curse Gooley for picking the REALLY obvious response here>. Kelly stood up again and removed her pants and panties simultaneously <well, of course, not ACTUALLY simultaneously, since relativity has shown us that there is no such thing as simultaneity. Two observers, fleeing the scene at different relativistic velocities, could well disagree as to the order in which the pants and panties were removed.>. Her naked body was the most beautiful <example of Bauhaus architectural style> sight Julie had ever seen. Wasting no more time <don't bet on it>, the two girls <and Alan Funt and God, both of whom are hiding in the closet> fell <into the gaping abyss which suddenly opened up in the bedroom> onto the bed in a passion<fruit>ate embrace. Kelly sprawled <over several square miles, urban blight at its worst> herself over Julie as Julie ran <the beer concession at the local baseball park> her hands up the back of Kelly's thighs to her smooth ass <avoiding the rough water buffalo next to it>. Kelly moaned <as do we all> as Julie squeezed her cheeks <causing the water she held in her mouth to spray out as a childish prank> and caressed them. Kelly started sucking on <a lemon, much like this story> Julie's hard nipple and worked the other one with her hand <sculpting a likeness of George Washington in record time>. As their legs became entangled, they <realized that trying that old "soak the chicken bone in the vinegar trick" with their own bodies was a mistake>, realized that both their pussy's <their pussy's what? And why can they afford only one between them? I tell you, poverty in this country is at a SHAMEFUL level!> were screaming for <attribution> attention. So, Kelly turned <the plasma containment field back off> around , moved her ass back towards <the stable> Julie's face and spread Julie's legs with <a butter knife> her hands. Julie immediately grabbed Julie's ass <(the too-rapid collapse of the plasma, and the attendant EMP, had replicated each of them several times)> and lowered her dripping cunt to her mouth <on a crane; a snapped cable nearly resulted in disaster, but fortunately the safety brakes held>. Meanwhile, Kelly opened Julie's <abdomen with the obsidian blade> warm pussy lips and drove her tongue <at speeds well above the posted limits, and slammed into a bridge abutment> madly <I'm mad, too> into her flood of bursting <dams> love juices <? Why, yes, I'm particularly fond of cranberry. Thanks for asking.> Kelly's clit was now placed firmly against <the belt sander, and the rough edges left over from casting were carefully and expertly removed> Julie's tongue, and the two were screaming in ecstasy <the town of Ecstacy, New Jersy, is well known for its annual four-part harmony screaming contests>. "OOOOHHH, OWWWW, OOOOOOH GODDDDD!" <Sorry, you've said that already.> Kelly started bucking <for a promotion> up and down <good planning again; had she chosen only to buck down, she would have drilled a hole through the Earth, unleashing untold violent forces which would have rent the planet in two> on Julie's face, trying ever so hard to <smother her before this story goes on any longer> bring on the orgasm she knew was <hiding under the bed> coming. She also continued <after each breakpoint> stroking Julie's clit with her own tongue <having returned the rental tongue earlier that morning> and rubbing Julie's <Instant Win Lottery Ticket in case Julie had missed the winning number> ass with <Carnuba wax> her hands. Finally, with a series of earth shattering screams <that's final, alright>, the two climaxed at the exact same time <Wrong; we've gone over that before>. "OH, OH, OOOOOOH, OOOOOOOH, OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH - <"Would you like to have your eyes gouged out with a pitchfork?"> YESSSS!!!!!!" <"Coming right up!"> ************************************************************************* <After reading that sludge, I'm not surprised I'm seeing stars.> Julie spent <her inheritance on booze and troll dolls> that night at Kelly's house <in fact, she never left, and her makeshift grave was never found> while her parents were away. They continued to have sex all night and into the morning <much easier than trying to have it all night and continuously into the afternoon while skipping the morning, unless you have a time machine>. They both still loved their <mothers> boyfriends very much, but nothing could compare to the gentle touch of <a high-speed drill press on the sides of their heads> the other's soft hands, or the sweet, soothing taste of <Hall's Mentholyptus> the other's love <boat[TM]> juices.