Path: netnews.upenn.edu!jvnc.net!yale.edu!yale!mintaka.lcs.mit.edu!news From: tbsc@volcano.tbsc.ORG (talk.bizarre Steering Committee) Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,news.answers Subject: Welcome to talk.bizarre! (Monthly Posting) Message-ID: <16Mar92lc119a8pqp@tbsc.org> Date: 16 Mar 92 21:13:22 GMT Sender: news@mintaka.lcs.mit.edu Reply-To: mjd@saul.cis.upenn.edu (Seth the Lard) Followup-To: talk.bizarre Distribution: world,cindyslivingroom,elsewhere Organization: talk.bizarre Steering Committee (TINC) Lines: 97 Approved: news-answers-request@MIT.Edu Xref: netnews.upenn.edu talk.bizarre:98404 news.answers:812 X-Mr-Attribution: John F. Woods Q: What is the meaning of life? A: Get one and we'll talk. Q: Are you through yet? A: Don't talk with your mouth full. Q: Aren't these Frequently Asked Questions thingies supposed to have something to do with the newsgroup? A: Asshole. Q: What is talk.bizarre? A: The word bizarre comes from the Basque _bizar_, a beard. Q: I GOT A BEERD! AM I BIZZARR??? A: No, Biff. The trouble with a newsgroup for the "bizarre" is that you don't know it till you see it. Usually, the readers turn out to know that they haven't seen it. Q: So what is bizarre? A: There are three main theories about bizarre. Some feel that talk.bizarre is what rec.humor should be, filled with humorous stuff that no one has EVER, EVER heard before, certainly not that stupid joke you heard in third grade that you're typing in right now! Get your DAMNED hands off that keyboard, NOW! Anyway, others feel that talk.bizarre is for articles that make the brain hemispheres switch places, the stream of craziness articles that make you wonder about YOUR sanity. These articles should be written ONLY by TRAINED PROFESSIONALS, do not attempt this at home. The third main theory of talk.bizarre is abuse. Not "your mother dresses you funny": you heard that in second grade, right? And third grade. And fourth grade. And fifth grade. You'd think your mother would have caught on by now. Anyway, bizarre abuse is epithets that no human ears have ever heard before, that no HUMAN MIND COULD EVER THINK OF: now do be a good boy and go thread rusty barbed wire through your lymphatic system and rent it out to bison ranchers. No, get back here, that was an example, not an order. For now. Anyway, if you heard it from someone else, it isn't bizarre. If someone ELSE heard it from SOMEONE ELSE, it isn't bizarre. Q: How do I know? A: Read the group for a few weeks. Read it for a few months. Dedicate your LIFE to reading the group, until you UNCOVER the SECRET MEANING and win a PRIZE. Q: What about Monty Python? I just saw this show by a guy named Monty Python, and I laughed so hard I moistened my pants! A: Look, the Monty Python stuff was done between 1969 and 1974. We've ALL SEEN IT. We all puked our guts out laughing the first FIFTEEN TIMES WE SAW THE GODDAMNED SHOWS. ALL THE SCRIPTS FOR THE SHOWS ARE OUT AS BOOKS, BY KLORTHO'S CHITINOUS EXOSKELETON!!!!! (ICBM 0-679-72647-0 and ICBM 0-679-72648-0) It is NO LONGER bizarre. Q: Well, I heard this bizarre rumor about one of the Star Trek movies, that... A: Don't even say it. This is the ARCHETYPE of what's wrong with the rest of USENET. Some weenie hears about the bus punk, posts to rec.arts.stardrek asking about it, and sends it off to talk.bizarre because this poor little zero has never heard of anything so unusual as a PRODUCER of a fucking MOVIE taking a BIT PART so he can get his putrescent little FACE on the goddamned silver SCREEN and get some exposure for his INCOMPETENT, FETID LITTLE GARAGE "BAND"! So we wind up with two months of followups by little dweebs who can't use an editor to change the Newsgroups: line and who couldn't get a life if they were KILLED and REINCARNATED as the Buddha himself, and after repeated polite requests to the group in general to stop the crosspostings, someone *SNaPS* and posts a mildly heated article with a dirty word like "darn", "shoot", or "you fucking cretinous assholes ought to pull your goddamned toy phasers out of your butts and swallow them!", and suddenly news.groups gets filled with complaints about how there's a million billion articles crossposted from talk.bizarre into rec.arts.stardrek -- and no one ever notices that they're all authored by weenies wearing red shirts and rubber pointed ears. Touchy, us? Q: So, like, I've read talk.bizarre for months and all I see are runon postings consisting of stupid punned versions of the last stupid punned version of the previous stupid punned version.............of some sentence that wasn't striking in the least. A: Yeah, well, thanks to wimpy laws about human sacrifice, we have a bit of a quality control problem. If all groups were judged by their worst rather than their best, the only group left would be rec.humor.stupid-peoples-court, and it's been dead for years. Q: So, why do they call talk.bizarre the sewer of the net? A: You are out of order. budda-budda-budda-budda-budda-budda-budda Q: Isn't that more of a Star Trek joke, as in like from Meeting at Farpoint? A: Well, if you're going to split hairs, I'm going to piss off. Q: Hey, that's a Monty Python quote! Didn't you say those weren't bizarre? Q: Hey, where did you go? Q: Hello? Q: Oh, there you... who's the guy with the black reflective sunglasses? Wait! What are you doing? What are you sticking in my A: BOOOM!